How to Make Friends as an Adult

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard people puzzling over how to make friends as an adult. I’m here to tell you that it is possible and within your reach, as long as you’re willing to put in the legwork to make it possible. Let’s discuss.

Cost of Community

We’ve gotten to a place with our self-care rhetoric where individual comfort is prioritized over everything else. In order to have a village, you have to be a villager. This means showing up for your friends, during the celebrations and during the challenges. This sometimes means inconveniencing yourself for the sake of relationship building. Nobody enjoys doing an airport pick up, and lending a hand to a friend in a time of need helps build trust and mutuality in relationships. Showing up for birthday parties and for heartbreaks allows you to build a friendship where they will do the same for you. It’s not tit for tat- friendships are two way streets. If you want to have a friend, you have to be a friend.

Put Yourself Out There

Now that we got that out of the way, onto the action steps. As I mentioned last month, friendships likely won’t fall into your lap like they do when you’re a kid. This means actively needing to seek out friendships. Think about it like dating- you can’t expect a future partner to just show up at your doorstep, just like you can’t expect it from a future friend. Make an active effort to make friends. Attend social gatherings where you will meet new people. Invite friends to bring their friends around. Invite a colleague for coffee. Participate in a new activity. And once you start putting yourself out there, follow through.

Show Up

Once you start making new connections, it’s time to foster them! This means reaching out to new people, whether that means sending a quick text to see how their day is going or inviting them to grab a drink. People like mutuality. They want people to show as much of an interest in them as they are showing in you. Being passive when making friends will make it challenging to move relationships from casual acquaintances to genuine friendships. Making time for friends is important. Just like you wouldn’t plant a garden and then hope that’s enough to let your tomatoes grow, you can’t just make a friend and hope that’s enough to sustain the relationship. It requires active work- showing up, being a friend, engaging with each other, building vulnerability and trust.

Where to Meet Friends

The easiest way to make friends is through shared interests. Joining a hobby group (such as a run club) can be an excellent way to meet like-minded people. You may be able to find these in your community or through organizations that are involved in this hobby. For example, my local branch of the Mountaineers, an organization focused on getting people outdoors, sponsors hikes and backpacking trips for folks in the area. Outside of that, Meet Up is a great website/app to meet folks. You can search by your interests, from activities to people with similar demographics (such as “childless adults” or “moms”), and attend events that these groups host. Very often, these events are free or low fee. Your local city message board- whether this be social media, Reddit, or a community bulletin board- may also have events or meet ups posted. My city organizes social meet ups through our local subreddit. There are also organizations that host structured meet ups with the goal of introducing you to new people. Some dating apps even have friendship matching platforms, such as Bumble BFF. Once you start looking, the possibilities are endless.

Go Make Friends!

For some reason, all of these things feel intuitive to folks when thinking about building romantic relationships, but they become challenging when thinking about friendships. Building friendships should take a similar effort to building a romantic relationship. Just like you have to foster a partnership, you have to foster friendships. Once you start doing this, your friendships will blossom. If you want to have good friends around you, you have to be a good friend back. Soon enough, you will have your own little community.