How to Validate

Most of us know what validate means, but how many of us know how to actually validate? When someone is validated, it allows them to feel fully seen and creates a safe space of vulnerability and connection.

What gets in the way of validation? A problem I hear time and again from folks is that the listener quickly jumps into problem solving mode. How many of you have had the experience of expressing something ("I feel sad about x") and having the person you are telling try to fix it ("Have you tried xyz?") before acknowledging it? How does that feel when it happens?

When you are looking for validation of a challenging experience or emotion, having someone provide you solutions can feel invalidating and minimizing. If you are someone who immediately goes to trying to "fix" the problem, it may be worth doing some self-reflection. Does you feel uncomfortable when people are vulnerable with you? Do you feel overwhelmed or helpless by this vulnerability? If you feel uncomfortable with me asking these questions, it is even more critical for you to reflect on them.

More often than not, problem solving is a reflection of the listener's difficulty to sit with these emotions without changing them. However, in order for something to change or for someone to feel better, the hard things need to be validated first.

There is an excellent example of this in the Disney movie Inside Out. If you are not a therapist who has the entire movie memorized (cough, me, cough), Youtube search "Inside Out validation scene" and then come back and read the rest of this.

So, movie time is over. How do you validate someone? It is actually quite simple.

1. Sit with them. Let them talk, let them say what they need, and listen without trying to change it.

2. Validate the challenging parts. Some examples could be, "Wow, that sounds really hard," or "That really stinks!" or "No wonder you're feeling xyz, that is a xyz situation!"

3. Try to stay away from things like, "I get how you feel," if you are reacting to a situation that you have not been in, which can accidentally end up being invalidating and can cause people to dig their heels in.

4. Validate the valid. You don't need to go down a negative spiral with someone, and can still validate the parts that are hard. It helps to only validate the things that are real and not the negative self-talk. If someone is saying, "I will never succeed at my job, and I'll always be a failure," you can reply with something along the lines of, "Work stress is so hard and it sounds like it's been really frustrating for you!"

5. Don't offer problem solving unless the person asks for it. Trying to move someone out of an emotion before they have finished processing it just results in them being more frustrated and feeling unheard, and they will remain more stuck in the feeling.

If you're saying, "Well Dr. Jen, I am worried that if I validate how someone is feeling and not try to fix it, they will get stuck there and will feel that way forever," listen closely. Validation is actually the only way to move someone through a challenging period. When you invalidate someone, they typically tend to either cling to the emotion more until it gets validated, or they will pull away from your relationship. Think of the times when this has happened to you and how badly it has felt. If you want to create more trust in your relationships, validation is critical.

I promise you that if you are able to implement this more in your romantic relationship, friendship, and family relationships, you will deepen these relationships and create more vulnerable and safe spaces with your loved ones. Nothing feels as good as being fully seen, heard, and understood by the people who you love.