Setting Boundaries

Boundaries is a word that gets thrown around fairly frequently in our culture and is very often used incorrectly. Let's break down what boundaries are and what they are not, and talk about how to set effective boundaries.

Boundaries are not meant to control someone else's behavior. They are not ending a relationship. Boundaries are not ultimatums.

Boundaries are a way for you to manage your own emotions and behaviors. They are a way to continue a relationship.

The most effective boundaries are clear, direct, and utilize "i language." Instead of saying "You should do this," say, "I will be doing xyz." You want to frame every boundary in the context of how you will act or react in certain situations.

For example, if you have a relative who comments on your weight every time you see them, you can set a boundary by saying, "I always feel badly when my weight is commented on. I will be excusing myself from the conversation if my weight is brought up." You are not saying, "You can't comment on my weight." You can't control how other people act, only how you act or react.

A very important part of this is following up on the boundary and actually doing what you say you will do. If you don't, it conveys that you weren't that serious about the boundary and that it can be ignored.

You also must explicitly vocalize the boundary. Don't assume people know what you feel. Without vocalizing it, it is just you avoiding conflict that you are incorrectly calling setting a boundary. This is not helpful, as you can't expect to see change without asking for it.

A word of warning- the people who most need them will likely have the worst reaction to you setting them. This does not mean you set a bad boundary. In fact, it likely means you set a great boundary. Be sure to be warm, confident, and firm in your delivery.

If you want to practice, start with small, low stakes boundaries. Maybe practice before your big holiday dinner.

Happy boundary setting!